Domestic Violence is an assault or attack against another person, that serves as a repetitive pattern of control , that creates and leaves lasting effects sometimes for many years after the abuse has ended.
How people end up in situations of domestic abuse may not be the same for everyone but there are many different dynamics of abuse within the context of domestic violence.
However domestic violence is a pattern of abuse in which many times was witnessed in childhood. Victims and abusers alike are most likely exposed to violence on some level and unconsciously are unaware of the dynamic of power and control taking place within the relationship.
Although abuse is not something a child intends to repeat as they grow older, theres often a tendency to unconsciously attract partners who seemingly fit the characteristics of the abusive personalities they were once exposed to. This cycle can perpetuate generational patterns of trauma unless interrupted through awareness, healing, and intentional change.
Danger of unresolved trauma
Unresolved trauma has the capacity to unconsciously attract partners who possess abusive tendencies. Entering into relationships too quickly often masks, rather than heals, the deep wounds of childhood trauma that remain unaddressed.
When two people form a bond rooted in unresolved pain, the relationship is often built on trauma rather than trust. Each person expects the other to fill an inner void that no one else can truly satisfy. This creates a toxic dynamic—one that can only begin to shift when an individual recognizes that the root issue lies within themselves and takes intentional steps toward healing.
True freedom comes through acknowledgment, self-awareness, and the willingness to confront the past instead of covering it up with new, unhealthy connections.
One of the most common false beliefs many victims hold is the idea that if they simply continue to love their abuser unconditionally, the abuser will eventually recognize their devotion and change.
Over time, many come to the painful realization that submitting to a lifestyle of abuse only causes them to sacrifice their own identity. They lose sight of who they are outside of the toxic relationship. In doing so, they often miss life-changing opportunities for healthier relationships, abandon personal goals, and waste precious years waiting for someone else to change—only to be left confused and abandoned when the abuser ultimately walks away.
At the same time, it’s important to understand that the abuser’s actions are often rooted in their own unresolved pain. Their need to control or exert power over another person may stem from a deep sense of insecurity or trauma experienced earlier in life. Unfortunately, rather than confronting their own wounds, abusers project them outward, perpetuating the cycle of control and harm.
Breaking this cycle requires both awareness and action—recognizing that no amount of love can transform someone unwilling to face their own brokenness, and that true healing begins with reclaiming one’s own voice, worth, and identity.
In many cases, the abuser may hold positions of authority or jobs that place them as the primary breadwinner in the household. This financial control often extends into the relationship, giving them more leverage to dominate—making the money, paying the bills, and ultimately calling the shots. In other situations, the roles may be reversed, with the victim holding the financial power yet still remaining trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle.
Regardless of who holds the paycheck, the dynamic of control is the same: one person leverages resources, fear, or authority to strip the other of independence and freedom. This imbalance reinforces the cycle of power and control, making it even more difficult for victims to break free without support and awareness.
From the outside looking in, many people ask the question: “Why don’t they just leave?” Unfortunately, this question often carries judgment, placing blame on the victim for the abuse they endure. The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a simple decision, and the barriers victims face are far more complex than outsiders may realize.
For some, leaving feels nearly impossible because the abuser has carefully and deliberately isolated them from friends, family, and other sources of support. Without encouragement or a safety net, victims may feel trapped with nowhere to turn.
Fear is another powerful factor. Many victims know they need to leave but remain because their abuser has threatened to harm them, their loved ones, or even themselves if the relationship ends.
Practical barriers also play a major role. Lack of finances, limited education, chronic illness, disability, or lack of family support can all restrict a victim’s ability to move freely and create a new life apart from their abuser.
On a deeper level, abusers often manipulate emotions to maintain control. They may play on guilt, shame, or pity, convincing victims to stay by making them feel responsible for the abuser’s well-being. I know this firsthand—I witnessed my abuser use emotional manipulation not only to keep me in place, but also to draw sympathy from others.
The truth is that leaving is a process, not a single moment. It takes courage, preparation, and often outside help to break free. Rather than asking “Why don’t they leave?” perhaps the better question is: “What barriers are holding them back, and how can I help remove them?”
My Testimony
My abuser often shared with me the trauma of his childhood and all the people he blamed for the way he turned out. He said the root of his pain was that his mother had lied to him about his father, hiding the truth of his real parentage. I felt for him deeply—I could understand his hurt—but the reality was, there was nothing I could do to change his past.
He was a charming gentleman, a single father, and one who seemed to care about the welfare of others, at least when we met. I was very young then and still had somewhat of a fairytale idea about relationships but he had qualities that I had been afforded to witness before then.
He was nice. He wined, dined, and gave me anything I wanted.
Being afforded to get whatever I wanted was not anything remotely close to what I was able to get in my childhood. This was different and I thought I had met my knight in shining armor. Until the armor came off, then everything changed.
The Revelation
What I saw was a man who was fragile, confused, and broken—someone so desperate to be accepted that he tried to buy love to fill the emptiness inside. No matter how many times I reassured him of my care, or how often I demonstrated my loyalty and trustworthiness, it was never enough.
But what I didn’t realize at the time was that I too was broken, confused, and fragile. Just like him, I was searching for love, hoping someone else could fill the voids I carried inside. What I lacked was the understanding that the love and acceptance we were both longing for could never truly come from another person—it first needed to be discovered and nurtured within ourselves.
Healing was needed from what happened or didn’t happen in our lives from our past. There was no need to try to impress others by what we thought we found in eachother, regardless of how we looked together before others, when what we were doing was a built on image. It was all a dream and a lie.
But there was enough given to keep me in the relationship and taken which caused me to hide from others what was going on behind closed doors. I didn’t want to share what I was going through with others for fear of being judged concerning my decision to be in relationship with this man.
Just before meeting my abuser, I too had just exited a long term relationship and this man had seemingly come at the right time to help me take my mind off my last betrayal, and he came bearing gifts.
This gave me even more reason not to share the turbulent times of my relationship with anyone. I was encouraged to shop, to spend money, to take the material things as a substitute for peace. But in reality, those transactions became an unspoken agreement—his way of buying my silence while giving himself permission to continue treating me however he chose. For a long time, I stayed quiet. Until one day, I decided that enough was enough.
Live Free
The intended goal of this relationship was for satan to create so much carnage in the form of distrust, misunderstanding, and abuse that eventually death would be the final outcome.
But Jesus stepped in on time and many times. Because Jesus intervened, I survived and am a living testimony to the saving power of God and his grace over my life.
I share this testimony to encourage anyone who may find themselves in an abusive relationship: God always makes a way of escape. Abuse is not your portion.
Part of my healing was coming to the realization that I could no longer allow anyone to dictate who I was supposed to be in a relationship. I also had to look within myself and ask why I was drawn to toxic traits in the first place. That process of self-examination was necessary to break free and reclaim my identity.
Refusing to leave an abusive relationship in hopes that things will change is a dangerous trap. It sets the stage for even greater destruction—not only for you, but also for your friends, family, and the opportunities God has placed in your path.
Love doesn’t hurt. It does not abuse, mistreat, or belittle you. Love cannot be bought.
Love is freeing.
You must first be willing to love yourself enough to recognize that you are worthy of a love that is healthy—one that allows you to fully be yourself. True love grows with you and cherishes the things that matter to you.
Discover what you were called to do, and pursue it with everything you’ve got. Refuse to put your dreams, goals, and desires on hold for the sake of submitting to a relationship with someone who doesn’t know themselves and refuses to take the time to find out.
If you are reading this, share it—someone else may be blessed, encouraged, and set free.
And always remember: You’re worthy!
Originally published at https://larissaslovenotes.com on October 24, 2020.
